I tried so hard to be attracted to males for 7 years, and all I got was this lousy PTSD!
The way that I was treated after my autism diagnosis (all my actual mental illnesses were ignored; the only thing my therapist cared about was forcing me to act as neurotypical as possible) primed me for being groomed by an autogynephilic male. I was taught to ignore my own needs and to do whatever I was told to do. Naturally, I was the perfect target for any predatory male who tells me I'm a TERF if I don't suck him off. Countless trans-identified males slid into my DMs, and I was always afraid to say 'no' to them. I felt like a bad person for only being genuinely attracted to other natal women. Even though I had to use drugs and/or alcohol to pretend that I wasn't completely repulsed by my partners' male bodies or the degrading sex acts that they forced me to do, I didn't see an issue with it until I finally went to sex therapy. Shortly after therapy started, lockdown made me quit self-harm sex cold turkey. Eventually I stopped trying to "unlearn my genital preference" (i.e. "pray the gay away" but with less Jesus this time!), but to this day I still feel guilty for being a lesbian. I feel so alone. I'm scared of my own body because so many males used and abused it. I'm haunted by nightmares to this day. I can't find any resources for recovering from the DIY at-home conversion therapy that was pushed onto me by the TQ+ community. Will I ever stop feeling like a pervert for loving other women? Comments are closed.
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