5/22/2021 at least there would be a language to name problems and nobody would deny their existenceRead Now The very same "community" that should have made me proud of myself has me feel incredibly ashamed and lonely. I'm a bisexual woman and I've never felt so alone and unable to discuss my thoughts and feelings (not only about my very own orientation - about anything, really).
I sometimes really wish I was born in another time, because as hard as it would be at least there would be a language to name problems and nobody would deny their existence. 5/16/2021 I feel safer being openly lesbian around my normie straight friends than I do in LGBTQ+ spacesRead Now I've received more outward homophobia from members of the LGBTQ+ community and people who call themselves queer than I have from the cishet people I know. I feel safer being openly lesbian around my normie straight friends than I do in LGBTQ+ spaces because at least my straight friends won't call me a literal nazi for loving females and not being attracted to males whatsoever. I feel unsafe in LGBTQ+ spaces because I know self-identified queers will just be waiting for me to say the wrong thing or reject the wrong person so they can chastise and demonize me.
5/16/2021 I hate how wanting female connection and female spaces in LGBT contexts is suddenly this massive red flag for peopleRead Now I long for female solidarity. I long for female connection. I long for female-only spaces. And I hate that such longing in modern LGBT spaces is now implicitly (sometimes even explicitly) forbidden.
If you wish for female-only spaces in the straight world, it feels like most people agree that it makes sense. However, if you wish for female-only spaces in the LGBT world, that's a major cause for alarm all of a sudden. Suddenly, everyone starts side-eyeing you, waiting for you to express some "terfy" opinion, questioning why you "only care about certain kinds of women". I hate how wanting female connection and female spaces in LGBT contexts is suddenly this massive red flag for people, and not allowed. I have decided to try dating for the first time in my life. I am bisexual, and am only interested in pursuing relationships with other bisexual women or lesbians. How many times must one meet a cool woman and have her give you the "actually, I'm not a woman, I'm nonbinary, so..." when you try bonding over some aspect of being female in this world. It's like a setup for some horrifying joke; room full of "queer" people and not one same-sex attracted woman in sight. How did it get like this... I am unable to speak up. I cannot say what I truly think about my bisexuality. It is not accepted that being bisexual is attraction to the two sexes, instead the definition is constantly debated. And bi woman are assumed transphobic until proven otherwise. It made me so confused about my sexuality. Bisexuality is seen as being up for debate.
5/14/2021 I’m terrified to even talk about the thoughts I’ve been having about gender out of fear I’ll lose friends and risk my careerRead Now I’m terrified to even talk about the thoughts I’ve been having about gender out of fear I’ll lose friends and risk my career. This includes my own gender and reidentifying/detransitioning. I love my wife and being a lesbian and I want to work to liberate women again after years of forgetting what that means.
That, due to friendships, I am NOT publicly honest about my feelings--being critical=being transphobic and I can't hurt my people for what is, in the end, only my feelers.
But I resent it. I’m what they call a “late-to-life” lesbian. I spent a painful lifetime in the closet despite knowing from a very young age that was I was different. My family was deeply homophobic which only pushed me more into the closet.
I had many sexual encounters with men that have left me pretty traumatized. Something I’m still unpacking and healing from in therapy. My first relationship out of the closet was with a woman who said she was non-binary. They didn’t want me to call myself a lesbian because they didn’t identify as a woman. I couldn’t use words that felt feminine, I couldn’t buy them flowers because it made them feel like a woman. I couldn’t touch them in certain ways because of their dysphoria. Anything female was off limits, gross, triggering, etc. When we had sex they wanted to picture anything I was doing as if I was doing it to a penis. They wanted to use words like suck. They wanted to use a strap that was extremely realistic and large. I set my boundaries. Explaining these things were scary and wrong for me. My boundaries were always pushed but if I ever pushed again one of theirs— all hell would break loose. They hurt me with physically and emotionally with that thing. I cried. It didn’t matter. Luckily that person is gone from my life and I’m finally in the relationship I always knew I was supposed to have. One with a woman, proud of her body and mine. Loving, respectful. A lesbian relationship. I never thought I’d be here but I am and I’m so happy. The scars from that past relationship are still there and I’m floating out in the world with no lesbian community because it barely exists where I am. Spaces meant for lesbians are “inclusive” of all. Lesbian is a dirty bad word. Our clubs are gone- rebranded as queer. It feels really lonely. I hope I find you all out there somewhere. My story isn’t traumatic and horrible as the others in this site , but I feel so lonely that I don’t have anyone else to tell this. I’m from Guatemala ,it’s a country between El Salvador and Mexico and I’m 23 years old.
Fighting with internalised lesbophobia hasn’t been easy . I have had dreams about marrying a man so I don’t lose the relationship with my family ( in Latin America the connection with the family is very important ) so they won’t see me as a failure , a sinner , etc. in all these dreams my family hug me and tell me how much they love me . Since I’m a teenager people have tried to obligate me to love men . I haven’t go through conversion therapy but I have go through the nightmare of receiving beatings and being called a pedophile due to my sexual orientation from my mom , been blackmailed by my sister and see my dad doing nothing just watching me suffer. When all that happened was 2015 and I was still a minor. In 2,017 I had to lie saying I was embarrassed of my sexual orientation and I wanted to compromise myself with changing . I lied because I wanted to study in Law School , yes I know I’m selfish for lying and receiving their money but I was afraid of living alone . This year finally I’m finally graduating , the next year I’ll looking for a job and finally save money . When I was in middle school-high school I had 2 LDR , I don’t have the courage to date with a woman in person but I have always dreamed with the day I can finally travel to a better country , live my best life, maybe meet a woman , falling in love and get married. The changes that the lesbian community has suffered lately makes me feel sick ... for many years my Christian family has tried to make me like men , theoretically putting a penis in my mouth , and now the same community that made me feel safe when I was a minor , telling me I wasn’t wrong for loving a woman it’s doing the same to many women , making us feel guilty with the same tactic that our families have been using for years . I had the same two friends for a long time, I came out to them in a time where lesbians were more accepted. One is bi and an LGBT activist, the other is straight. Now they've decided my homosexuality is violently transphobic and abandoned the friendship. I've been lonely for a few years since I have a hard time making friends.
I honestly wish I had stayed closeted. I’m in a social work program and I have to constantly monitor myself when responding to the material in case I use a turn of phrase or something that makes someone decide I’m a TERF and gets me kicked out of the program or something.
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