10/27/2021 I've spent a long time being told it's wrong and abnormal to be attracted solely to womenRead Now I've spent a long time being told it's wrong and abnormal to be attracted solely to women. I've never felt comfortable with the community because it just reminds me of that part of me I'd rather forget and bury deep. And now, with everything that's happened in the past few days...If there was some way to just burn that away and be attracted to men, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I'm tired of trying to come to terms with being a lesbian. 10/27/2021 It is powerful social coercion to have all your peers treat you like you're evil and outcast you for something like thisRead Now At 14 (in early 2010s) I came out as a (straight) trans man. Over the next two years my group of friends formed and there were about 10-20 queer identified people in this group, most of which were trans or nonbinary. Pretty much everyone was bi or pansexual.
At a party when I was 17, a gay male friend hit on me. I was confused about why because I thought I didn't look male at all (I was very dysphoric about it) but I was deep in queer theory so took the validation of my identity. He kept pushing and trying to kiss me but I rejected him because I'm only interested in women. When I said this, he got sad and said he'd been questioning his identity and feeling very "femme", so that shouldn't be an issue. I said I'm still not interested and it got awkward so I moved somewhere else. Later on, another friend came up to me and said I upset him, questioned why I wasn't interested, and got it out of me that it was because he was born male (I even said I would if he transitioned!) For the next hour I was relentlessly questioned by the group, called transphobic (trans man at the time), and just generally insulted. All for not wanting to hook up with *one person*, who said for the first time that night that they were questioning their identity. I was terrified at the time and feel sick looking back on the event. This wasn't just emotional manipulation by one person, this was group bullying with the intention of coercing me into having sex with someone! They kept saying "you don't have to have sex with anyone, but your reasons for not are transphobic" (paraphrase), as well as "analyse your genital preferences" stuff, which at the time made me feel awful and trapped. It is powerful social coercion to have all your peers treat you like you're evil and outcast you for something like this, the "you don't have to" means NOTHING. I left the party early and lost in total about 20 friends from that event after it spread. After this was when I began questioning what I believed around gender identity and sexuality, especially where it was at odds with how my own sexuality worked. I searched online for similar experiences and found loads of lesbians talking about similar pressures. I posted about the event on tumblr and started getting called terf in anonymous messages pretty quickly. Ironically this led me to radical feminism and my eventual detransition (desistance?). One thing I want older LGBT people to understand: this is not fringe online stuff. This is the *mainstream* belief system in young queer circles. 10/26/2021 At least back in the day men who wore those I'm a lesbian too T shirts were rightfully ridiculedRead Now I'm not part of a lgbtq+ community. This is not the community I fought for in the 80's and I find myself increasingly isolated from those that claim this as their identity. Gender ideology has exposed just how little rainbow orgs think of lesbians and how homophobic and misogynistic organisations are for not questioning it and instead sign up to their hateful policies that deny our existence. At least back in the day men who wore those I'm a lesbian too T shirts were rightfully ridiculed instead of trumpeted as stunning and brave. I am very much of the opinion that it is long past time to Get the L Out.
10/2/2021 I went from hoping to one day find more women like me to fully believing that repressing everything and staying as deep in the closet as possible would have been ultimately easierRead Now I grew up hearing that being homosexual was disgusting. Wrong. It took until I was eighteen to accept myself and even longer to shake the feeling that I was a weird freak.
A decade later and I'm back to hearing that I'm disgusting and wrong, and wondering if maybe I really was a weird freak all along. Except this time I get the hopeless feeling of having a community to turn to and then having it ripped out from under me to appease horny men who can't stand to be told no. I went from hoping to one day find more women like me to fully believing that repressing everything and staying as deep in the closet as possible would have been ultimately easier. At least then I wouldn't have had to see these parts of myself that it took so many years to embrace become vilified one-by-one. I wish I could just speak about my lesbianism without being harassed and told to go take a dick or some other creepy and inappropriate line. I've spent so many years analysing why I can't just like men. I've looked at feminine men and tried to hard to force myself to feel anything and i just can't. I wish I could just talk about how growing up as a lesbian was without being attacked.
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