6/15/2021 I started Googling how to go back into the closet while preserving my mental health and found no good adviceRead Now On Twitter, a big-name trans philosopher said that homosexuals and heterosexuals are inherently immoral because we exclude people by our very nature, and she got a ton of likes and retweets for it. That tweet has haunted me. I broke down crying multiple times after reading it over knowing that people think I'm disgusting and cannot even become a moral person for something I cannot change. One of those times, I started wondering if this meant I didn't have a right to be alive, and my mind went to a scary place that I thankfully pulled myself out of. A god must be looking out for me. That's when all of the rhetoric about TERFs went from being about awful people hurting trans women to me realizing that it was targeted at homosexuals like me even though I wasn't harming anyone by just breathing and living my life. All of this has started to impact my productivity at work due to the constant anxiety and uncertainty about the future. I started Googling how to go back into the closet while preserving my mental health and found no good advice. I now wish I had never come out because the anxiety and uncertainty is so potent. I no longer interact much with LGBTQ people because I could get accused of being an assimilationist TERF if they knew more about me. I have always been a lesbian who isn't culturally queer, and it has always caused issues. It made me worry about my relationship with my mom if she realizes what my lesbianism means. She has trans friends. I've always felt like her love for me would go away if I stopped being the perfect daughter and it's hard to shake that feeling even after so many years. Somehow, all of this hurts more than the homophobia from before marriage equality and the end of DADT and all of the comments people made about gay people when I was a girl.
In Wicca, it's become taboo to talk about or use female fertility images, but somehow it's still okay to talk about phallus-related fertility and to use that symbolism in ritual. People who mention wombs are being bullied online by pagan influencers for being TERFs when womb iconography and mythic symbolism is part of the history of some goddesses like Hecate. People are saying that being inclusive means we have to remove all references to procreation in Wiccan liturgy in order to "include" LGBTQ+ people. I know where sperm at the fertility clinic comes from, and it is very insulting for them to think people like me are so fragile that we need entire ritual liturgies changed to obscure the realities of biology. I feel so alone. I can't be myself anywhere but my journals. Everything has become a cage. The future looked so bright after marriage equality. Now I can't think about my homosexuality without significant mental stress. How is this situation inclusive when it is hurting so many human beings? Comments are closed.
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