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I Always wanted to date women. A heterosexual guy with pronouns took advantage of me and it disturbed me so much, that I thought for a long time I needed to be straight. Because I never lived my desire to date women, while sleeping with men against my will, I thought it was just a silly teenage girl fantasy. A few months ago I broke this toxic cycle and came out as a lesbian thanks to elder lesbians I met and talked to. But when I enter a gay bar, I feel still as an outcast.
I'm a late bloomer lesbian. I'm generally rather bad at processing and recognising my emotions, and I simply assumed all teenage girls felt the same things I did towards their friends. It was probably not helped by my mother being somewhat homophobic (of course gays should be allowed to marry, but why do they have to be so in-our-faces about it?). When I should have realised, in university, when I was well past puberty and those feelings mom told me I would have towards men still hadn't appeared, and my attempts to go on dates with men ended in me being utterly repulsed any time they tried to touch me, and I developed a very intense pseudo-relationship with my bisexual best friend/housemate, I instead stumbled on the asexual community. This was when the internet had just started telling lesbians that they must be into dick. The combination (asexual info and trans propaganda) drove me straight to an asexual identity. It felt safe. I didn't have to face my internalised homophobia or do any of the soul-searching acknowledging my own emotions things that I find so challenging. No one would ask me any difficult question about how I felt about girldick. I'm nearly thirty. I've never so much as kissed a woman. Large part of this is probably my own emotional issues from childhood, but I hate hate hate the way the trans and asexual communities make it so much harder to acknowledge our sexualities.
My country is a desert when it comes to help for women. It used to be an oasis in comparison to what is happening now. I can’t even call a hotline for women without a trans-identified male person answering the phone. And when one has experienced so much sexual violence, including from them, I’d sooner search for 2 doctors to qualify me to be state sponsored murdered, than give a man (or sadistic woman, for that matter) fetish material.
When you’re isolated, phone lines can be life lines. A compassionate woman with minimal training can out do any high priced the-rapist in making themselves unnecessary for spans of time that no therapist has ever been able to out do. Sometimes your stories are so dark, you don’t want to see the woman’s face. Because if you care for women, if you adore them, as I do, you don’t want to burden them with your shit. And so, it stops you from sharing. Even when you know you need to let it out. My “community” doesn’t exist. I doubt it ever did. But, I was happier for whatever illusion, I believed I was living in. Despite that clear and present homophobia, back in the day, I’d take it all over again, if I could have my spaces of solace and refuge restored. My country is a desert. And I don’t know what to do, but scream out into a void, in hopes of finding you. I feel ostracized by so many LGBTQ+ people because of my detransition and being a lesbian. It’s like they see me as tainted now.
I wish that people who aren’t cis women who sleep exclusively with other cis women would stop calling themselves “lesbians” so that when I go to the doctor and say “I’m a lesbian” my doctor would immediately understand what that means for my sexual health and tailor their recommendations accordingly. And I wish saying that I’m a lesbian would be sufficient to opt out of invasive and humiliating pregnancy tests (for which I’m then billed) prior to a medical procedure, so when I say “there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I COULD BE PREGNANT” they accept me at my word.
"The Dark Age for Lesbians"
Under todays neo-patriarchal trends, the voice of lesbians have been shamefully censored, gas lit, diminished, bullied, unheard, erased, not listened to, not supported, no seat at the table, made wrong for being themselves, even told who they're supposed to be attracted to. A cultural, social media driven, " Conversion Therapy" foisted upon them. It's the deliberate colonization of a whole group of people. It is evil. These neo-patriarchal cultural manipulations are oppressive and soul killing . It's like a creepy "Hand Maids Tale" divised just for lesbians. It is wrong, and needs to be talked about openly in a real way. I wish I could say that even many bi women don't want to date 'trans women' (ie trans identified males) because the mockery and fetishization of our sex makes us uncomfortable.
I'm ashamed to say that I used to be a lifelong liberal and later leftist, but I feel borderline unsafe with the modern left and how it aligns with postmodernism (despite identity politics being incompatible with Marxism). I ironically feel myself becoming less liberal, socially. I used to respect radicals (be it radical feminists or communists, etc.) and a part of me still does, but I don't want to live life defined by my sexuality and having to be adorned with pride flags and labels.
I just want to live a normal life as a person who happens to be gay, then a gay person. I respect the right to be open and proud, but it's not the life for me, but apparently this is a "socially conservative" opinion now. Same-sex marriage is somehow "unradical". Wishing I could date someone that's similar to me values-wise is "assimilation". And it's legitimately shocking to me how the center-right, despite disagreeing with their economic views, are less likely to care now. I consider myself more of an economically left-leaning moderate, I'm not pulling an Arielle Scarcella and going to become a Republican or vote for them, no way, I'm still closer to the Green Party, but I'm so used to liberals being the tolerant ones that this is bordering on a culture shock to have moderates on the other side be more accepting of a difference in opinion, compared to the left's homophobia and denial of material reality. I see these conservative-leaning LGB and some "old school" Ts talk about the same feelings I have about the community and not wanting to be defined by sexuality and not agreeing with gender postmodernism. When I was a radfem I was super against allying with right-wing organizations, and I still am, because they have stronger political power than even the progressive parties in US. But for individual people, I feel like things aren't as black-and-white anymore on who are "the good guys". It seems like it's taboo for lesbians to have any boundaries anymore. If we don't either identify as male or date males who want to be treated like women, we're TERFs and deserving of death.
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